It Wasn't Physical
TW: Abuse
Red flags and stomach pangs,
Listening to friends, quietened that.
My heart was still recovering,
From heartbreak of another kind.
My wounds hurt, I was worried it would get even worse.
I thought that being with you was “ doing my best”.
You said I was “safe in your arms”
You said “I can now rest”
I thought, “now this is my chance”.
For ends that are happy and filled with glee.
For me to love fully and dance so carelessly.
A lover who loves me,
A lover who wants us to be one
Yet I was amiss,
I didn’t have the strength to resist.
I was no longer “safe”
My body was for adornment and sexual objectification,
My mind a vessel to manipulate for your own justification.
You were always so soft and gentle
Who would believe that this wasn’t really your intention?
I have been asked…
“Was it physical? He didn’t hit you did he?”
Yet there are no physical scars,
No evidential marks.
No, he was very smart.
Yet the constant hitting of the wall at times, made me wonder.
Is my mind deceiving me still?
He said “I was this and that”
“Not logical, not practical,
He said “I was a twat”
Yet he told me he “loved me” kissed my hand and bear hugged me.
People often told me; “I was lucky, he was sooo nice”
So why then was I hurt too many times
I denied it, I had my doubts.
The hurt wasn’t “physical”, so no one could see.
There were no physical marks, shouldn’t I just be happy?
Trying to prove myself,
Trying to understand why I was “never enough to really love”
We were meant to be married, but my heart hurt too much,
My tears were always in flow,
I had to leave, I had to muster up the strength to go.
Yet your essence remains….
When will I be relieved.?
I wonder if I am really believed?
I wonder when I will feel truly free?
It wasn’t physical;
They say,
It wasn’t so bad;
So then, why can’t I be me?
Written Anonymously
