A Letter to My Long Distance Best Friend
Whenever I think about what I want for my kids, after the obvious things like good health and happiness, it’s that they have a best friend. I mean, a proper best friend.
Some people seem perfectly content with their best friend being a partner or sibling or parent and if that works for you, then great, who am I to judge? Even if I am secretly thinking, yeah but they HAVE to like you or at least pretend to, they HAVE to talk to you, they’re family! No, I’m talking about someone who doesn’t have to like you through any kind of obligation. A friend you can hang out with, not doing anything in particular, not even talking and it’s never awkward. The one you tell all your innermost thoughts to, however weird they are, without worrying that they will judge you for them or worse, repeat them to anyone else. A friend who you know with absolute certainty has got your back and will always be there for you. Someone you can give a side eye to in any situation and know that they are thinking exactly the same thing as you. No talking is needed. The number of places I’ve been, giving side-eye to my best friend, almost imploding with silent laughter. If I thought that would stop as we got older, I was wrong!
I met my best friend Karen when I was 14 which unbelievably is almost 32 years ago. At the risk of sounding even older than I actually am, wow that’s gone by in a flash! We attended the same senior school, but it wasn’t until she got a Saturday job at the same cafe as me that I really got to know her. This girl with the thickest longest mop of hair I’d ever seen in my life and a truly wicked sense of humour. She made me laugh during every single shift I shared with her. Karen was funny, sparky, and bold but also somehow slightly insecure and awkward in social situations. I wasn’t funny, sparky, or bold but she made me feel as if I were. She still does. She felt like a kindred spirit. We followed each other into other Saturday jobs. Our double act was way too good to break up - we made each other laugh like no one else could. We served tourists, worked checkouts, changed price labels, switched on Christmas lights but mostly we talked and laughed. I’m not sure our employers got any kind of value for money from us when our Saturday shifts were more about catching up with the past week's events. Back in those days, we didn’t have mobile phones or social media to keep in touch with. During the week I was in the sixth form and Karen was at college and there was a lot to discuss come Saturday. We worked together, we drank together, we went clubbing together, we went on holiday together. We laughed and we cried together. I met my husband on a night out with Karen whilst trying to bat off the over amorous attentions of one of the strange men we seemed to attract when we were out drinking together. I think it was the total non-interest from us when we were far too busy talking and having a laugh that encouraged some men to think they should try. Remember being 18 years old and your friend being THE most important person in your life? Well, she was the Tweedle Dum to my Tweedle Dee, the Sam to my Frodo, the Bert to my Ernie. Ahem, ok, I’ll stop now, you get my drift.
But then 19 years ago she moved to Australia. I know, right. At the risk of sounding rather like Chandler, could she have gone any further away? Karen decided to go travelling and see some of the world whilst she was still young, free, and single. This was the same year I was married, yes of course Karen was a bridesmaid, and then I became pregnant. Looking back, I think that year was the first time we weren’t experiencing major life events together at the same time. She’d just come out of a long-term relationship and I was committing myself further to mine. We’d been single, settled down, single again, met men, dumped men, been dumped. Loved unsuitable boys who didn’t love us and let boys we didn’t love think we did. We’d sat outside each other’s soon-to-be ex-boyfriend’s house in our car, waiting for the other to appear, usually, a sobbing mess carrying bin liners and shoes, leaving behind our past, somehow always believing there was something bigger and better ahead of us. But this time Karen was doing something new, and she was doing it without me. And although I knew I would miss her tremendously, I was excited for her and the adventures that would surely come her way. The first stop was Australia. Her sister was getting married and she was to be a bridesmaid. But that first stop became the one and only stop because, in true fairy tale style, she fell in love with the best man. Then married him. And I knew she was never coming home. Was that difficult? Hell, yes but the man she fell in love with was a good man and she was happy. I couldn’t be anything but glad for her.
Those first few years, we both had young babies, and keeping in touch was difficult, not just trying to find the time to talk when both of us were so tired, but trying to navigate the time difference. My mornings were her evenings and vice versa. In those days, the internet wasn’t good enough for webcams, sometimes just trying to get a clear telephone line without a third party interrupting was bad enough. Have you ever tried to hold a conversation about a nappy rash or cracked nipples whilst an Australian woman shouts “Brenda, Brenda is that you”? at regular intervals? It’s not easy, believe me. It was a hassle. It seems hard to believe now when I can speak to her instantly wherever I am via facetime or messenger. We talk at least a couple of times a week and message constantly. I would say we message daily but the honest truth is it’s more like hourly 😊
But, despite those difficulties, throughout that period, we kept going. The phone calls were grabbed moments here and there. Occasionally one of us would have a boozy night and inevitably that would lead to one trying to ring the other. We’d send a card or letter, an email along with photos of our growing babies and we kept going. We kept that contact there, always. The longest we went without physically seeing each other was over that period of 4 or 5 years, the baby years or as I like to call them, the madness years but honestly, the moment we grabbed each other in the airport, it was like we’d never been apart. We're so, so lucky that we’ve managed to visit each other every few years since then. I’ve even managed an Ozzy Christmas with her, my family marvelling at the strangeness of a Christmas day in 40-degree heat. I’d like her family to try an English Christmas. Although I’d be hoping for snow and ice, and the reality would probably be more drizzle and mud.
We have so many memories and shared experiences together that I simply don’t have with any other friend. Obviously, I have memories with my family, my husband, my twin sister. Lots and lots of memories. But memories with a friend? She’s top of the list. We can evoke a memory with just one word. Eerie…. there. That’s one of them. A word that doesn’t mean a thing to anyone else but brings back memories of nights out or road trips or even almost getting arrested for passport fraud in Wales, (don’t ask!) then fleeing over the bridge with me singing Alanis Morrisette at full volume to keep our absolute panic at bay.
Karen is my sounding board, my advisor, my gossip buddy, my bitching partner. She listens to me. In a world where I spend a lot of time listening to other people, she’s MY listener. And that means so much. She bigs me up. She believes in me. Even when I screw up, she believes in me. And that is something every one of us needs.
When I started writing this piece, I thought I was going to discuss how Karen and I have managed to remain best friends even though we live on opposite sides of the world. A kind of look back at how technology has improved over the years and made it easier to stay in touch. But it’s made me realise that efficient technology hasn’t really got anything to do with how or why we’ve stayed friends. Poor phone connections, distance, busy family lives, setting up a business each, we’ve navigated it all and worked to make sure our friendship doesn’t suffer because of anything else that is going on. And that does take commitment but any important relationship in your life, whether it’s with your partner or friends or family, is surely worth the work and commitment they take. The relationship I have with those I love is the most important thing in my life. I think the last eighteen months of not being able to freely see or visit our loved ones have made us all think a little more deeply about that. Although Covid hasn’t been as terrible for us as it has been for many, it did mean our big reunion plans for last year were scarpered. I don’t think we will be in a position to meet this year or perhaps even next but what I do know is that although we live on opposite sides of the world, we have more than enough between us to sustain our friendship for the rest of our lives. A little thing like ten thousand miles is nothing for a friendship like ours.
Love you Kar x
Written by Shell Blackwell
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