Becoming a Step-Mum: The Highs and Lows of Step-Motherhood

Sure, I knew he had kids. We met on Tinder and it was on his profile that he had two daughters aged eight and eleven. We talked about them on our first date; how they both played football and how he’d tried his best to be the best dad he could to them after the breakdown of his marriage. I’d dated men with kids before, but never got to the stage of meeting said kids. I’d never been against it, but honestly, when you first start dating, they’re kind of a concept rather than a reality.

In those first few months, he’d often have to disappear early on a Saturday morning after a Friday night sleepover to go watch their football matches. Or after a lull in our texting, he’d be like ‘Sorry, was putting the girls to bed’. I’d ask questions about who they were and what they liked. He’d tell me things like they’d love me. That he’d shown them my picture and they thought I was pretty.

When it came to meeting them, I was nervous. I don’t have my own kids so can’t say I was particularly confident about speaking to them. By that time, they were nine and eleven and I had no idea what kids that age were into. Would I have anything to talk to them about? What if they didn’t like me? What If I didn’t like them? People laugh at me when I say this, but it was a genuine concern for me. The first meeting was to go bowling and it went so well. They were so enthusiastic to meet me and they thought I was cool cause I had TikTok (don’t worry, they’re teenagers now and no longer think I’m cool). I didn’t have to worry about what to say to them because they were so talkative I didn’t have to fill in any silences – there weren’t any. I’ll always maintain that I got so lucky with the step-daughters I got because they’ve always been so open and welcoming to me. I just kind of slotted into their lives and them into mine. 

Of course, it hasn’t always been easy. When I moved in with my partner, the girls we were in the last lockdown of early 2021. I’d gone from living in a flat on my own in a busy city with a busy social life and absolutely zero responsibilities beyond paying my bills to keep the flat, to living in a flat in a town I didn’t know. I suddenly had no control over how I spent my weekends because that was dictated to me by the girls and their mum. On occasion, I’d find my partner and I sitting at home on a Saturday afternoon, unable to go out, because we were waiting for them to be dropped off and didn’t know when that would be. This had never been a problem for my partner, but I found it so frustrating. This family dynamic, because even though my partner and his ex were no longer together they were still a family unit for the girls, was already established by the time I came along so how could I shake things up with my demands? 

Then of course there is the fact that you have to accept that your partner’s ex will always be in your life. In most other relationships you’d feel uncomfortable if your partner still texted and called the woman he was married to before you, but when they have kids together she will be in your life. You’ll have to figure out how to be in the same room as her for the sake of the kids, stand at the sidelines of football matches with her, or awards nights, or plays, etc. Again, I do consider myself to be very lucky in my situation because my partner and his ex have a good relationship. They co-parent well and will often come together when one of the girls needs them to be. I’ve even had a scenario where my partner had to go and sleep at her house – don’t panic, she wasn’t in! But he had to go and look after the kids there for an annoyingly good reason. I was told I’d be welcome to sleep there too, but I drew the line and I trust my partner so waved him off to go and stay the night at his ex’s house. Friday nights have traditionally been date night for me and my partner because we have the girls on Saturday nights and there have been times where I’ve sat on the sofa while my partner chats with his ex on the phone. She obviously doesn’t know that Friday night is our date night and had something to discuss with my partner regarding the girls so she just called him up. There are women out there who, I’m sure, would think their partner should put in place a boundary and not take the call. But in those situations, I don’t know what the issue is and neither does he. I’d hate her to think that if she needed him, he wouldn’t be there for her. She’s the mother of his children and is important to them so we’ll do whatever we can for her. On our third date, he told me that he wouldn’t hear a bad word against her, and I thought it was the most admirable and mature thing I’d ever heard a man say. It’s been nearly 5 years now and their mum has accepted my presence in her daughter’s lives, largely because the girls and I get on so well and I think she can see I’m a positive influence in their lives and I’m just another adult to love and support them. 

We’ve never really had the issue of where the parenting line is for me and the girls. We’ve always taken the approach that I am the deputy manager and their dad is the manager in our house. So if he’s not around then I’m the boss, but if he is then what he says goes. It comes with practice though. I know what their curfew is because I’ve been in the house when my partner has set it for them so if I’m ever on my own with the girls and they ask to go out then I know when to ask them to come home. I also think I’m useful to him because, as their parent, he sometimes can be clouded with emotion over certain things whereas I can offer a more rational point of view. Don’t get me wrong, I love those girls and I would absolutely lay down my life to protect them, but, and I say this as someone who hasn’t had their own kids, it is 100% different when they’re your own. 

The most significant piece of advice I received when I entered into this life was that my partner loved his children from the moment they were lovingly placed in his arms and I did not have that. I did not love those girls immediately upon meeting them. By the time I came along they were fully formed humans with thoughts and feelings and opinions. A step-parenting journey is about falling in love with your step-children and who they are as people, and it doesn’t necessarily happen immediately or overnight or even over the course of a year. You might never love your step-children and that’s totally okay. You’re not pre-programmed in the same way a biological parent is to love them. 

I may not have a traditional family, but we are still a family, nonetheless and our family dynamic is actually quite common these days. We love each other, and we argue with each other. The girls and I gossip about friends, boys (or girls!), and sex (they’re teenagers now and I think it’s important we remove the taboo around discussing sex and sexuality even if it does feel uncomfortable). We may not spend every day together, but, to be honest, they’d rather be out with their friends than hang out with us right now anyway. They come home to eat, sleep, or ask for money, and that’s totally okay. They invite their friends around and have sleepovers here. They treat this house like their home and I love it. 

My life five years ago was completely different. I lived alone and had very little in the way of responsibilities. Now I’m a step-mum to two teenage girls and my life is busy and loud. I spend my weekends preparing meals for four instead of cooking for just one. I remind teenage girls to bring glasses down from their bedrooms and I’m constantly asking ‘Please can you clear away that rubbish from where you were sitting?’. Standing at the bottom of the stairs and shouting up, ‘Girls, dinner’ready!’ and in that moment realising just how much my life has changed. Yeah, I knew he had kids. Now I know the idea of dating a man with kids is very different to the reality of it… but I wouldn’t change a thing.

Written by Gemma Greig

I’m Gem, a Scottish girl who has been living in the South West for 10 years. I’ve been working in Publishing since arriving here, but decided it’s time to follow the newer passions in my life, photography and fitness.
I am a qualified Level 3 PT and I’ve been running portrait photography sessions since early 2020.