Confronting the Confronting - What To Do When Someone Says Something They Shouldn’t
Understanding and overcoming the act of confrontation logically and objectively is going to aid you in dealing with a confrontation. Having a methodological mindset will likely help you as only you can change, if you believe that your behaviour is or is not working and so long as you are asserting positive change.
What is confrontation? According to the Oxford Languages confrontation as a noun, “is a hostile or argumentative situation or meeting between opposing parties.”
It is important to bear in mind that confrontation may not always be hostile; there are many kind and assertive ways in which you can express your voice.
Here are four areas in which you can improve on your ability to handle a confrontational context.
Valuing your self-worth
What does self-worth mean? In this context I am referring to self-esteem. Self-esteem as a noun, is the “confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect.”
Everybody can produce a sound and that sound has a huge impact; it can often be clouded by the sheer mass of noise from a person’s internal voice and of the external voice (subliminal messaging, ads, conflicting beliefs etc.)
Practising self-worth is a chance to explore this in whatever means is meaningful to me. If you believe a person is wrong (whether they are wrong is a different story) then first seek to understand whether they are right by asking a set of questions appropriate to the context, with the goal to help them come to their own conclusion.
This may not seem like exercising self-worth but in the end, you have come from a solid place in which you shall not be beaten down. You are essentially identifying the problems of being a pushover.
Authority
Speaking up for yourself will always gain you something, no matter whether you want to speak up more in your relationships or solve a specific problem, there are inevitably boundaries amongst any person regardless of perceived authority.
One way to approach confrontation is from an educational point of view so to speak, whether you're using credible resources or helping the person reach their own conclusion by making the points clear for why they could be wrong. You can do this even if they are blatantly wrong because sometimes, it can be best to let the other person save face (avoid humiliation) than not learn anything at all.
Above all it is important to know when you’re talking to a genuine person with a real sense of authority; somebody you can look up to and be inspired by. In other words, if somebody is confronting you with a real sense of authority, a person typically will approach you in a way that is constructive rather than to alienate you. On the other hand, if there is no real sense of authority it feels alienating and I’ve found it best to stand your place objectively (not with emotion) to handle the situation as best as possible.
Circumstance
There are five types of context that are within two main groups and one additional; they are Time (historical/cultural) Place (physical/situational) and Personal context.
Personal context is your personal history, culture, physical well-being and present situation all in a relative place to succeed in the application of confrontation. I have found this important to be mindful of for the reasons that, if there is confrontation in for example, a club/busy space and it could take place on a different day and time, then it is best to say “this is not the time, let’s schedule in a chat where we can discuss this with clearer heads”
Undoubtedly there has never been such a thing as a “good time” to do anything, as it is only inconvenience that holds up the barrier. Hence, why I believe that people want to bring up literally anything anywhere, as long as it suits them and no matter what relationship you have with a person, you are only half of any relationship; I implore others to be respectful to yourself and to value your time.
Knowledge
Knowledge can come in many forms and that does not mean that you are some sort of portable factoid. It can simply mean knowing when your words will transmit effectively and when they will not, for the reason that there is no point in reasoning with anyone, if their ears are not ready to receive your transmission.
I have found it a wiser action to discover when it is best to talk and this takes practice. If you can say one sentence and it summarises everything anyone has said in ten minutes of back and forth, then that is far greater than any knowledge because you are instigating learning in the moment. Ultimately, learning from your and others’ mistakes is knowledge and it is powerful.
I would like to remind potential readers that I am no expert in human behaviour or psychology. What I have learnt has evolved from the time I learned about myself and social situations, so I may better myself every time. I implore you to follow never-ending personal growth too.
Finally, here are three non-negotiable principles to consider preparing yourself with and utilising at a time of confrontation.
Non-negotiable principles
1. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders - you can confront somebody without confronting them. When someone confronts me it can seem like they’re ordering me in some way, so I am mindful when I am speaking to someone who I disagree with.
2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly - using their context from a 3rd person POV can help people see their words from an outside perspective rather than focusing inwardly
3. Give that person the alter-ego to live up to - why are you saying this, when you could be saying this.
Book recommendation
The book is called How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie - it’s a great book and you can download it as an audio book too! Three of my favourite (non-negotiable) principles as described in the book are listed above.
I hope you find this insightful if you have ever had difficulties in confrontation and that you can begin to practice these tools to aid you in those situations, as far as is practicably possible.
Written by Harry Bone
Harry is a percussionist and musician with a passion for sound and creativity. I am a content creator and writer enthusiast as well and I have been using my Instagram platform as a medium for this. An aspiring sound maker and content creator you can find my current adventures at @harrysvegan & @__hbmusic
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