How To Be a Half-Decent Human Without Being Insufferable: A Guide.
When I was 16, on some random day after school, I sat huffing and puffing to one of my best friends.
“Can you believe it? She called me annoying to my face! I’m not annoying, am I?”
Earlier that day, I’d gotten into a bit of a heated debate with a classmate. Looking back, I can’t even remember what on. I’ve always felt an intense need to be a good person and felt equally as intense guilt any time I thought I wasn’t being up to scratch. One of the ways this manifested itself was in me keeping exhaustingly up to date with any matter of social justice. And, if somebody said something my sources (*ahem* people on the internet, before the concept of fact checking or criticality had settled in) disagreed with, the guilt would kick in. And so, with a weird sense of duty, I’d let the offender know.
“Well, you can be a bit annoying sometimes.”
Ouch, I wasn’t expecting that one.
“But, you know, everyone’s annoying in their own way. That’s just yours.”
I often think about how lucky I am to have friends who aren’t afraid to say it how it is. Even when it stings. So, speechless and with my tail between my legs, I went home and embarked on what would become an ever-present journey of self-reflection.
Over the past few years, I’ve seen a lot more people responding to social justice in the same way I did as a teenager. I think, perhaps, that this is partly due to people starting to get involved for the first time. There’s definitely more of a sense of collective responsibility amongst people my age than I remember seeing growing up. But I think in part it’s because it’s comforting to think there is a definitive right, and that you’re always going to be on the right side of it. At risk of sounding like my mother, sometimes people can be so scared of getting it wrong that they do one of two things. Say what everybody else is saying with a whole lot of confidence or say nothing at all. Both are understandable. Both are relatable. Neither is effective.
I definitely used to fall more so into the first category – here’s what’s wrong with it. Whilst I genuinely thought I was being helpful at the time; I was nothing short of condescending. I got myself into far too many debates that I should’ve just left. I parroted out whatever the general consensus on ‘right’ was and was a terrible listener. Some things are easy to make a deserved black and white scenario out of. To name a few, blatant racism, classism, homophobia, and sexism deserve such a staunch reaction. A lot of debates that fall into the realm of these things are trickier to navigate. 15-year-old me heard from her favourite women on the internet that pornography was inherently harmful to women. I would have argued until I was blue in the face that it should be banned and accused anyone that disagreed of being anti-feminist. Now, I think sexism and perception of women in the porn industry, and the consequences on greater society, need tackling. But I don’t think the solution lies in banning porn, nor do I think it’s inherently un-feminist. Which version of me is feminist, and which version is right? I don’t know. But I do know that both have their hearts in the right place; one is just a little more welcoming of nuance, and a lot more willing to be proved wrong. One of my family’s favourite anecdotes is the time I drunkenly overheard a middle-aged man make a mildly sexist remark on holiday. I whipped around and spent well over an hour going back and forth with this stranger. It sparked a lovely friendship, and 6 years later we still all see each other. A happy ending, one may say. Nobody tells the story of why my Great Uncle doesn’t come and visit us anymore, though. Turns out, people tend not to enjoy being told outright that they’re wrong. Especially, when you refuse to listen to their point of view, even if it’s an icky one. Shocking, I know.
Effective intervention isn’t a one-size fits all situation. Witnessing overt homophobia in the street requires a completely different response to when your grandma uses an outdated stereotype. Sometimes, getting mad is more self-gratifying than it is useful. A lot of the time this boils down to intent, if somebody of the target group is there, and how immediate the harm is. For the sake of this not being 4000 words, I’m going to assume you know how to act appropriately and effectively if you ever witness a discriminatory attack in the street. If not, go find out how! Google how to be an active bystander – and come back to this later.
Back to the case of the out of touch grandma. Being of a certain generation certainly isn’t an excuse, but it does mean if you want them to actually take on board what you’re saying you might have to tailor your response. Nobody wants to listen to the person with the superiority complex. Often, if pressed gently on why they said something or hold a certain opinion, with a genuine willingness to listen, it’ll be much easier to rationalise why what they said was harmful or inappropriate with them. Including them in that process, without condescending them, is much more likely to make it stick. Not everything has to descend into a shouting match on who’s right and who’s wrong. Sometimes, things work better as a process. Plus, the great thing about listening is that sometimes you find yourself changing your mind or gaining a little bit more insight and understanding.
On to the second. Have you ever found yourself complacent when you could’ve intervened? I think most people would say yes. There are so many reasons for this complacency, and whilst it might not be ideal, don’t pen yourself as a bad person. Life isn’t that simple. Fear plays a massive factor – the only way forward is to evaluate the situation. Is this fear rational? Is there anything I can do to combat it? Am I safe? There have been times when I’ve found myself with a gut feeling that something is wrong, but not confident enough in my knowledge of the issue to articulate why. That’s an easier fear to solve – go home and read up.
It’s not always that simple though. I once had a boss who, after working there a while, I discovered openly held many an opinion that I found genuinely disgusting. Even as a scrappy 16-year-old I didn’t say a thing. He was in a position of power, and I needed that job. Sometimes, when I can’t sleep and I’m picking through my past with a fine-tooth comb, not saying something still features on my list of biggest regrets. So does the time two drunk women sat in front of me on the train using racial slurs, and I fumed in silence. And the time I didn’t shout back like I usually would when one night, as I walked home alone, a man shouted at me that I looked ‘breedable’ through his car window. The list goes on, and I imagine yours does too. As much as my 3am brain likes to tell me that I am, in fact, the worst, my silence wasn’t unreasonable. It wasn’t necessarily brave, nor does it make me a particularly good person, but sometimes in the interest of self-preservation letting things slide is okay.
So, how do you be a half-decent human without being insufferable? You remember to listen, actively. There is nothing wrong with a strong opinion, and some things deserve a strong response, but make sure you’re not so caught in being ‘good’ person that it blinds you. And remember, you’re not being difficult for speaking up! On the other side of things, don’t be so caught up in being ‘right’ that you’re scared to speak at all. We’re all too quiet and too loud sometimes, what matters is that we’re trying. We’re all just on a life-long journey of, hopefully, getting better at doing some good in the world. And, as a wise 16-year-old once told me, we’re all annoying sometimes. Don’t worry too much about it.
Written by Liz Marney
I am currently studying Politics and Philosophy at Durham University, and very excited to be finished with it soon! When I'm not writing overdramatic iphone note poetry, I'm probably out and about with pals, pole dancing, or drinking something fruity at a bar.
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