Overcoming Addiction: My Story
My name’s Harriet and I'm an alcoholic. We’ve all heard this before, but I first said this in my early twenties when I tried a 12 step programme for the first time. A few years prior to this I asked my best friend if she thought I was an alcoholic, and after being told in no uncertain terms that I don't drink in the morning so I can't be, I pushed it to the back of my mind. I'm here to tell you that if you question whether or not you are an addict, chances are you are one. People who don't have a problematic relationship with drugs and alcohol, don't lose sleep constantly worrying that they do.
I've been trying to slow my roll, as it were, since I first picked up drink and drugs. I never used like others, it was always in excess. I can vividly remember my first drink, I could finally relax and fit in; I felt carefree, I felt normal. I wasn't anxious and worried about what others thought, I wasn't this alien trying to fit in on planet earth, I felt free. Like I finally found the handbook on how to be human, how to be me.
The curious adventures of Happiet Stoked (a name coined by a friend for my wild alter ego) used to be seen as fun! First one out, last one in. ‘What's Harriet been up to tonight? Let's hear another hilarious sexcapade! You ended up where? Did WHAT? These things only happen to you!’ I was the life of the party, the centre of the room. But inside something was rotting. It got less fun. People always do when they get so fucked up they try to sleep with your boyfriend or try to strangle you. Life was passing me by at an astonishing speed, out of control, and way too fast. I couldn't remember where I’d been or what I'd been up to.
So, maybe I was never a morning drinker, but if you’re not waking up until 3pm and your first drink is an alcoholic one… Wait a minute. I wasn't a ‘park bench alcoholic’...I’ve woken up on plenty though; no bag, no shoes, and once no bike. I was never really much of a weed smoker, and wouldn't be seen dead smoking a vape, you never know what’s in those, but I have smoked crack. I was never much of a raver, but I have eaten a smint off a pissy bathroom floor in Amsterdam thinking it was a pill and I was worried that the truffles I'd eaten were not making me as high as I wanted to be. I've snorted an entire bag of mystery drugs stolen from a car and proceeded to convulse on a friend's floor, leaving a stain from my vomit and the bile in my stomach. I took cocaine on a daily basis for around two years towards the end; I didn't even like it, I just didn't know how to not do it.
I knew I needed to be sober, but couldn't help but think, ‘what would my life be without all of this FUN!’ The fun being all the chaos and bedwetting. The blackouts and shame. The inability to look at myself in the mirror, hold down a friendship, relationship or even a job. I wanted to die. I tried a few times. I hated myself. It wasn't fun anymore. It hadn't been fun for years.
I've now been sober for 18 months. I had to face the fact that the thing that once brought me freedom, was no longer my friend, it was destroying everything. It was destroying me. In fact it did destroy me. I’ve spent the last 18 months learning how to be me again, but this time without my crutch.
Overcoming addiction for me means that though I've just broken up with my partner, instead of going out and getting battered, I have to sit with my feelings. Truly sit with my feelings for the first time in my adult life, not instantly numb them, not run away from them. I can't escape myself anymore. It means not jumping to the next thing to ease the pain, not sleeping with someone I don't like just to feel loved and held, or spending money I don’t have to feel that momentary lift. It means sitting on this train home after this breakup, and crying. Knowing I'm sad and accepting I will be for a while. And knowing I will deal with this differently than I have in the past. Knowing that this was in my control this time, I haven't hurt someone, I haven't hurt myself. I was honest, and so were they, and now I get to feel this pain but know it's going to be okay.
Overcoming my addictions is learning how to look after myself. My baseline sobriety is, besides the obvious not drinking or taking drugs, brushing my teeth twice a day and taking my makeup off every night before bed (a good solid eight hours a night now i’ll have you know). I live in a flat that younger me would be so proud of, and I keep it clean and tidy, I won't live in squalor anymore. I bring people over and delight in cooking for them and showing them the safe space I've created. I never used to have anyone over because I was so ashamed of how I lived. I eat healthy meals three times a day because I know that makes me feel good, and I deserve to be full and nourished. I get early nights, in my bed with a frame and sheets that smell delicious, because I know that well rested me copes better, and is less likely to think about turning to substances. I go to therapy now, and I can show up my full and honest self, and actually get the help I need. And the help I’m now ready to accept.
Overcoming my addictions has made me notice how easily I can become addicted to things I never thought I could. The gym, sex, love, work, shopping. A shit wack-a-mole of instant gratification and short lived highs with often crashing lows and awful consequences. I have to keep an eye out for things that I can use in excess, or where food is concerned, sometimes not at all, because anything I can use for an instant feel good hit, I will use all the time. Everything in moderation, and I question my reasons behind certain things. I by no means have stopped them entirely, but after I've spent too much money on an ASOS haul I dont need when I'm in a bad mood, I can recognise it. Progress right?
Getting sober meant facing up to the reasons I was using. Having hard conversations. Showing up for others. Learning how to be a sister, friend, daughter and colleague. And finally showing up for myself, and learning how to be me. I have shame, guilt and anger about how I've behaved. But overcoming my addictions has made me see how ill I was. And though I sometimes still have those negative feelings, I can now welcome getting to know this girl who I didnt know for so long, learning about what she likes, and who she is. I'm so proud of that girl. Who tried her best for so long, and coped in the only way she knew how. I have compassion for her, and kindness. I try to speak to myself the way I would a friend, not too harshly, loving and guiding. I like her, I'm learning to love her.
I never thought I could live a fun and fulfilled life without drink and drugs. But the last 18 months have been the best of my life. Though not always easy, and not always fun. I have been free.
I will always be an addict, but that's not my whole identity anymore, and overcoming my addictions has given me the freedom and choice to be whoever I want to be. I want to live.
Resources
https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/
https://ukna.org/
https://www.samaritans.org/
Written by Harriet Stokes
Harriet (She/Her) is a bar and events manager, and aspiring writer. Navigating a life sober. Often found in the company of animals with an oat latte in hand. Can be found on Instagram talking about mental health, body image, sobriety and cats IG @happietstoked
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