Parenthood: Identity, Losing a Sense of Self, and Embracing the Change
Honest interviews with parents about who they were, who they are, and their experiences grappling with identity.
Most interviews are constructed under a similar format created by this author and are anonymous apart from initials and location for reference points.
When you don’t have children of your own, the entire premise of this article being written by someone who knows nothing of the experiences being written about could potentially be a touch scathing, maybe even absurd. Who in her right mind is she to write about such matters? Aren’t these topics sensitive and so personal to an individual? Of course they are! I write this to the little girl inside of me, who had so many questions for her mother growing up. “Mummy, what’s a virgin?”, I asked one precocious time on the bus coming home from a busy afternoon of BHS shopping, M&S café indulging, playpark rambling, and Caffé Nero devouring… I was desperate for answers to questions I had no idea about… asking my mother, my all-knowing power, my beacon of strength and light… she knew everything… she does now… so this is why, if you are still wondering, I want to write about parents, about parenthood, and about the sense of self - but from the perspective of someone who knows nothing about it. Life is scary, bringing someone tiny into the mix can really throw your sense of self into the abyss; so, with that being said, let’s get into it.
For some of the individuals I interviewed, the narrative was bittersweet and started several steps before parenthood was even a question. I entered a conversation with S, from Wellington, New Zealand, and she spoke about her sense of self way before her children entered the picture “Interestingly, I feel that I lost my identity when I got married. I was married to someone in the British Army based in Germany and immediately became ‘wife of’ plus my husband’s army number. I was 22 and that was how I was addressed, or as Mrs ... not by my first name. I couldn’t even buy a television without my husband’s permission.” S mentions how she “…definitely found my sense of self, unconditional love, and purpose when I became a mother. That’s not to say I lived my life through my children, but with them.” S goes on to write what can only be described as a love letter of pride for her children “The advice I always give is ‘make the most of every minute’ and I tried to do that. It wasn’t always easy balancing a busy career and being a single parent, but it was worth it.” These words have echoed throughout my own desire to know more about the sense of self and parenthood, that the journey is not always necessarily easy, but always seemingly worth it.
Thinking along the lines of change, I asked E, also from New Zealand, if there was anything they would change, do they think they have found their true purpose? Is that a part of your sense of self? E responded: “Parenting is raising a child to be the best they can be. Being a mother is different; it means providing that indescribable feeling of comfort no matter the age of the child. It’s being that person you call on that makes you feel better and doesn’t even need to say anything, so I found my true purpose in being a mother to my children.” Do you ever want to be the person you used to be or do you love who you are now? I asked this same question to each person interviewed, however, the response from M, Wiltshire, lit up something wonderful inside of me, not only as a daughter and an individual, but also as a writer.
M said in response: “I did when I was in the early stages of being a mum. I really struggled with being who I used to be. Having a really nice job, living in London…but as I got older, and as my daughter got older, I changed and I loved the person I was in my 30s, but I am beginning to come out the other side and discover a new sense of self through new beginnings. I look back on my pre-parent days with fondness, but I am glad that I am a parent, and I cherish that. “
I asked G, from Northern Ireland, about whether or not he felt a strong sense of self before he was a parent or afterwards, and the resounding conclusion was so: “I had a strong sense of who I wanted to be prior to having my first child. I was under a lot of stress at the time. Recently married, building a house I didn’t want to build. I did have a sense of self, but I felt out of control. Afterwards, did I feel a sense of self? Yes I did, I felt a very deep level of responsibility. Watching a child being born is quite stressful, it’s very “holy shit!” – “would I throw myself under a bus for this little thing?” – I didn’t hate him or dislike him…I just didn’t feel like my life was ready to change. But, 6 months later when that baby smiled at me, life changed.”
Referring back to the question that every person interviewed answered: do you ever want to be the person you used to be or do you love who you are now? I found that nearly every answer was in favour of who they are now. That without giving themselves away in the selfless act of having children, they maybe wouldn’t have developed as parents or, more importantly, as human beings. When I asked G what his answer to said question would be, he replied “I never want to be the person I was before, no, and I do love who I am now. I would never want to go through my 20s again, absolutely fucking not. In terms of my own life, back then? No way.”
I asked L, from Bath, the question; do you think there’s anything you would change, or do you think you have found your true purpose? “That’s really personal and deep. I’m a personal under-achiever, I feel guilty sometimes but it’s okay. If I had more money I would’ve had more children. I care about them so deeply…it is what comes naturally, it’s what your body and your mind tells you to do. I know that I am a great mother. As my great-grandmother said ‘don’t criticise other people’s children until you’ve finished raising your own.’ It's not single-handed, there’s a lot of sorrow along the way, and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Suddenly you look at these two guys and think ‘look at these two!’ Of all the things I’ve done, that’s it.”
Every person interviewed for this project gave heartfelt, sincere responses. I believe when you are faced with questions about your sense of self that are then wrapped up in questions with regards to the child or children you raise, your internal monologue cannot help but desire to be heard. The selflessness surrounding the act of maybe not forgetting who you once were, but taking them along for the journey, can only help but encourage the act of parenthood and ensure positivity throughout parenthood. Although it is easy to believe that everything is always ‘coming up roses’ to an outsider looking in, raising a child can be a tremendously challenging time especially when someone is grappling with the idea of who they are versus who they used to be. Resentments rise and fall it seems, but the resounding lack of regret noted in each of my interview processes were enough for me to move forwards with an excitement for my own future in hand.
I finish this by leaving a lasting quote from M, Wiltshire: “In the challenging times, it was difficult to remember who I was before I became a mum, however, as my daughter grew up from child to teenager to adult, it has been one of the most amazing experiences and I cherish being a mother every day. I am working towards finding a new sense of self and hoping to inspire my daughter.” Although promising nothing to herself, she promises everything to her daughter in a singular line. Who you are and who your children become are, it seems, are one and the very same.
Thank you to all parents out there for doing the impossible jobs and making them seem possible. You are acknowledged.
Written by Charlotte G. E. Fairbarin
Charlotte is a postgraduate in History who is finding her passion for writing again. Having written short stories and poetry for most of her youth, she is finding the spark of writing again by interviewing those around her about subjects she loves. Working in hospitality, she enjoys talking to everyone and serving great food and wine whilst writing about everything and more in her spare time.