The Heartbreak of Becoming Our Parent's Carers: What Do You Do?
The heartbreak - and strain - of becoming our parents carers. It’s something that isn’t talked about a lot, but what is the right way to look after age family members? Can there even be a right way?
Aging… It is something we all try to prevent, in some way or another. Whether it be a little bit of Botox, becoming our best selves in the gym, eating ALL the superfoods that promise all sorts of miracles… But, whatever plethora of things we give a go, we can’t prevent it. Ageing is a natural cycle of life.
The thing is, it’s one thing to know it - and another to see it. Watching our parents grow older can bring a special kind of pain. And for many of us, the real question is this: how do we prepare for the day we may become their carers?
As someone who works in healthcare, I’ve seen this play out countless times. I’ve seen the difficulties of families having to choose what to do - do you move your parents into your own home to live with you? Or do you move them into a care home so they have the support of staff? The problem is that every solution can feel plagued by worries, with a million factors to consider. For example, if you move them into your own house - will that impact your relationship with your partner, or your kids? Will it totally drain your battery? Do you have the resources and medical knowledge to feel able to adequately support them?
Alternatively, care homes also bring their own issues with worries around money and, emotionally, the guilt of moving a loved one away from a space they know - into a new, sometimes daunting, location. In fact, many people feel a familial duty to resist this option at all costs.
The truth is, neither decision is easy.
Taking in the role of caring for a loved one comes with a high level of responsibility, especially depending on their care needs. It comes with having to do things that are harder than just taking them to their appointments or taking them food shopping. Talking from the perspective of someone who works in care, it can involve intimate, personal care: helping them dress, attending to hygiene, assisting with mobility - tasks many are unaccustomed to, especially if they’ve never cared for someone in that way before. Sustaining that long-term, can be a heavy load.
Along with this comes the difficulties of balancing everyday life; work, kids trying to balance your own life around looking after an elderly relative, with different conditions which can take over your own life without you even noticing.
Caring takes a toll - not just on the person being cared for, but on the carer too. In fact, The 2025 Carers Week report found that 43% of current or former carers reported a mental or physical health condition developed or worsened since they began caring. As Maria Shriver (author, journalist and founder of The Women’s Alzheimer’s Movement) says:
“You can love the person you're caring for but hate how challenging the act of caregiving can be.” — Maria Shriver, on caring for her father with Alzheimer’s.
Research backs up what many carers feel: becoming a carer is linked to a rise in psychological distress. A 2023 study by University College London (UCL) and St George’s, University of London found that across all age groups, people who become unpaid carers see a significant decline in mental-health functioning, especially if they provide 20 or more hours of care per week.
So with all that, where does that leave us? In my ten years working in care, I’ve realised there isn’t a universally “right” choice, only the “best” one for your situation. What matters is that people are being cared for, and the carers are also being respected, and managing.
No one truly wants to be in this position, and the weights of it can feel overwhelming, but ultimately we have to choose what’s best for them. No one can tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. No decision is an easy decision, but it can be made easier with open communication with all parties, professional and unprofessional.
Written by Georgia Clarke
