Should You Power Through The Ick In A Long Term Relationship? No.
The way someone brushes their teeth or holds a spoon; dropping their card as they try to pay for dinner or simply the way they stack the dishwasher. These are just a few of the seemingly trivial things that can bring about the dreaded ‘Ick’. By now, you probably know what ‘The Ick’ is, and you have probably had plenty of experience with it in your own dating life. It has likely derailed a first date or ruined several months of getting to know someone new. But does The Ick ever occur in a healthy and committed relationship, or one that has been maintained through love over many years? And is it really the deathknell that social media claims it to be?
If you happen to have missed the naming of this dating phenomenon, The Ick is a sudden feeling of disgust felt by one person towards someone they are seeing, or on a date with. Very often, this disgust is brought on by seemingly trivial or even ridiculous things such as seeing someone struggle to catch a ball or having a pollen allergy. Although you might have come across people who get The Ick from a date being rude to a waiter or having poor hygiene, these are more Red Flags - which signify real character flaws - than the seemingly minor causes of The Ick. Red Flags are serious indicators of someone’s personality and noticing these can save you from possible future heartbreak, if not a genuinely dangerous situation. The Ick, however, is elusive. Worse still, there is no definitive list of what constitutes an Ick and it can vary from person to person.
The Ick might seem to most to be a new TikTok-based phenomenon, but it first began to appear in media from the late 1970s, even being referenced in an episode of Sex and the City. Perhaps The Ick has been around since humans began spending time with each other; surely there were some cave-people who developed a sudden revulsion at the way someone sharpened their spear or chased down a mammoth.
Anecdotally, people appear to get The Ick fairly early on and it can bring an otherwise seemingly promising relationship to a screeching halt, because how on earth do you move on from a sudden feeling of disgust? You might have otherwise felt generally positive, even excited to be dating this person, but cold disdain and disgust has cut through all the fuzzy serotonin and general mushiness, and forced you to realise that you’re looking at a random man - a stranger really - who never cuts their toenails.
So what does the scientific evidence say? One study has suggested that The Ick could be more of an indication of flaws within the person who experiences it. In fact, it goes so far as to say it indicates levels of narcissism. Ouch. It is also possible that the trivial causes of The Ick indicate a shallow nature in the person experiencing it. If you’re looking for a life-long partner, would something like The Ick really put you off?
This study also suggests that the levels of disgust felt through The Ick are instinctual and could indicate a more primal need to find a healthy mate: if your partner causes you feelings of disgust, this could be due to them showing signs of disease, or them being a poor match for you physically. Could this mean that The Ick is actually our mind subconsciously protecting us from making the wrong decision?
When it comes to who experiences The Ick, cursory studies of TikTok have shown that more women than men post about the feeling, however, gender also plays a role in a more nuanced way. When women list the characteristics or actions which cause The Ick, they are often related to a man’s gender performance, and their perceived lack of masculinity. Being under six foot tall or not being able to catch a ball, along with putting on lip balm or swaying your hips as you walk downhill, are fairly benign features but they all hint at being perceived as more feminine.
Some have argued that the seemingly unending list of Icks is due to the existence of dating apps. Someone might decide that the person currently on a date with them isn’t as appealing as the seemingly endless pool of prospects offered on dating apps.
This feeling of disposability allows people to disregard a love interest for something trivial, based on the idea of someone they haven’t even met yet. If the next person you see on your phone could be the person of your dreams, why power through and tolerate someone who makes you feel unwell? Is there a reason to power through The Ick and try to find another level to someone you might have not known for an especially long period of time? Arguably, yes, and this was shown perfectly in the 2024 Netflix hit Nobody Wants This when the protagonist Joanne gets The Ick from the formality and overeager performance her new boyfriend puts on to appeal to her parents. In this case, Joanne and Noah are able to work through The Ick as she realises that there are many other aspects of her boyfriend’s personality that she loves. The Ick is usually considered to be a sure sign that a relationship is en-route to ending, as powering through a feeling of disgust or disdain is incredibly difficult. As shown in Nobody Wants This, The Ick can also be caused when you discover an aspect of your partner’s personality that you haven’t previously known about, and so it completely derails your perception of them.
But how does this work in a long-term relationship, and does The Ick even occur in relationships beyond the first few months? Is it a deathknell, or a healthy reminder that your partner is a human being with flaws that can surprise you? In most anecdotal cases, The Ick tends to appear within the first few months, if not the first few dates. Once you have been in a relationship for a significant period of time, you have usually come to know and love the quirks of your partner and learn to tolerate their potentially disgusting tendencies. For many people, this is part of being in love. If you do begin to feel The Ick in your long-term relationship, this is perhaps a sign that you should take a step back and reconsider your partnership. When their breathing makes you irrationally angry, it might be time to delve a little deeper and wonder if something else is causing these feelings.
That being said, there are those who claim to have worked through The Ick with their partners. It’s important to remember that your feelings towards someone, especially someone as close to you as your partner, aren’t likely to be constant forever. During long-term relationships, it’s likely that you will go through periods of feeling distant from your partner. This might not always be directly due to anything your partner has said or done but also due to external factors such as stress or ill health. Is it truly The Ick or do you have other problems that might need addressing?
If you really do feel The Ick towards someone, the odds are - as hard as this may be to face - that you are losing interest in that person. When you’re a few dates in with someone, it’s perfectly acceptable to stop seeing them because they do something you find a bit gross. When you have been together for a significant part of your life, perhaps developing an Ick is your brain’s way - as trivial as it might seem - of telling you that you’re unfulfilled. So whilst, officially, you broke up because you got The Ick from the way they ate a sandwich, truly you were looking for a way out to escape much deeper and more underlying issues. Or perhaps because you knew the person you were dating wasn’t right for you and you were just looking for an out. Often, the things that would give you The Ick in a shallow, insincere, or not yet loving and established relationship are things you would find endearing or quirky in a deep and loving relationship. Or maybe you would still find them gross, but sometimes it is worth putting up with them because the positives outweigh The Ick. Ultimately, The Ick is justified and despite how silly it may seem, if it's enough for you to feel sexually repulsed, it is totally valid to make you want to question the relationship.
Perhaps the real question isn’t if you can overcome The Ick, but should you? Truthfully? No. If something as trivial as the way a person blows their nose makes you reconsider having a relationship with them, then it’s probably time to cut loose and let them meet someone who finds it endearing.
Written by Georgia Winstone
