Does June 21st Make You Feel Anxious? Yeah, Me Too...
Deadlines are usually what sets me to do stuff, that last minute pressure making the adrenalin pump quicker and making me submit things on time, sometimes for better or for worse (we all have those papers or projects we submitted, and then re-read them and face-palmed ourselves, right?). But June 21st is a deadline I both dread and await impatiently. You would wonder why the dread? It’s so exciting to be back to ‘normal’, but what is ‘normal’ at this point?
Lockdown after lockdown, my most exciting outing being Tesco, and maybe, if I ventured further a Lidl or Iceland, months of seeing the same 3 people, while chatting to others on WhatsApp, a year of disinfecting everything I touch, or quarantining clothes, steaming the living life out of everything that can be steamed, dreading the tube or any public transportation and essentially shielding as much as possible, as I was one of those who had to go into the office.
I don’t envision life returning to the pre-pandemic normal, nope, not for me for certain. A lot of my friends are going full-on, fully reclaiming their pre-pandemic life, booking clubs and tables and fully expecting a summer of party, and here I am, wondering if I’ll ever be able to calm my anxious brain into going somewhere where you are in super close proximity with people you’ve never met.... I miss dancing, pre-pandemic, I was an avid Latino dancer, going to all the bachata parties, loving a concert, a festival, any space that was too small for the amount of people allowed in, I never thought I’d dread the day I returned to those places. But here I am, absolutely dreading it.
I keep wondering if I’ll be that person asking you to wash your hands, and making sure I stay away from everyone? I will most likely be, for at least another while post June 21st. I don’t envision life truly going back to normal, even post vaccine, and this isn’t a doomsday kind of statement. I hope we’ll be able to enjoy all these things we used to enjoy carelessly before, but realistically, I know there are people like me who will probably have an anxiety attack at the thought of going clubbing (or the equivalent, small space, close proximity, lots of people). It’s a hard thought to grasp as I remember the enjoyment these nights gave me merely a year ago. I miss those so incredibly much in fact, dressing up, putting on ‘going out’ make-up, I even had a ‘going out’ perfume. Tt was lush, but I now look at those like a super-spreader event, and they scare the living life out of me.
So, I think I have become one of those people, for the better? Or for the worst? I’m unsure, my life this year has 100% not gone as planned, I’m the person who loves her alone time, but man did I feel lonely in this pandemic, a lot of times even with people next to me. It’s a scary thought that at 27 I am not sure I know what normal truly is for me.
On one hand I so want to go dancing, full on sweaty until 4AM, come home and sleep the whole next day, see and hug all of my friends, entertain people in my flat, have a ton of fun, but on the other hand, I am so scared. I’ve seen what Covid can do to people, we’ve all made so many sacrifices, is it worth going clubbing on June 21st? And if we do, have we done all this shielding, and loneliness, and anxiety build-up for nothing? Or will we all be safe and sound, and my brain is just in overdrive after so long? When the announcement first came through, I was SO excited, like honestly, over the moon, I can finally go dancing with other humans (yay). And then the dread installed itself - slowly at first, it didn’t hit me up until about a week or so later. And then the fear came through. And that fear and dread are constantly at the back of my mind. So much so that I didn’t remember any of the other dates at all.
A lot of things make me uncomfortable, and social situations were a tricky one even before the pandemic, now all those social muscles I trained, have gone back to their usual socially awkward selves, and I don’t know what to do with them. Because realistically that’s a comfortable spot. But also, a lonely one.
I’m trying to ease myself into more social aspects of life. Like going to a pub, going for long walks and chatting to people, facing them, not 2m apart, booking restaurant tables and actually showing up, even though I am in actual panic. Many times it’s understandable, other times it’s not, but I can feel the panic build-up for that moment when I’ll have to say no, I don’t feel comfortable going in there.
I am a people pleaser, so saying no doesn’t come naturally to me, but maybe in this situation it will actually make me get completely out if my comfort zone, or it might make me ignore the situation in the hope it will go away. I know, how very mature, but genuinely, do you imagine going out, clubbing, literally invading everyone’s personal space, people putting their hands (that we don’t know if they washed) on your back to ‘pass along’, sweaty people dancing in a small enclosure - it gives me the hives just thinking about it.
And yet, I might find myself in those places due to my inability to say no. Or I might ignore the existence of these places until I can’t ignore it any longer and I’ll force myself out of the house, aim to not disinfect everything around me, and manage (just about) to have some fun, because it will mean that maybe in the future, at some point, we can create a ‘new normal’ for all of us anxious people.
It’s a scary thought that this dread has installed itself; maybe it would have been better to have less of a deadline, and more of a ‘we are slowly opening things, taking them as they go’ situation. I feel June 21st is very much a get your everything together we’re going to party deadline, and I know how excited it makes so many people, but in their excitement, they might forget those of us who are in the scary position of maybe feeling uncomfortable to say no. Because even the strongest in the anxious crowd might still feel pressured to go with the flow, see what they feel like, and after so long, might feel very awkward to say, ‘I don’t feel comfortable here’, because it’s not ‘on trend’ any longer.
Finally, going into this ‘new normal’, post vaccination life, don’t forget to consider this, even to those friends that never say no, and always go with the flow. Look deeper into it. Make sure you allow for that space of ‘I’m not comfortable’ to exist, for that space of saying no to exist naturally, because it matters to them a lot.
Written by Andra Maier
Working in fashion teaches you a lot of things, but it leaves little space for creativity outside of work, because we are ‘always available’. Having a creative space is something important in my ‘switching off’ process, and writing comes easiest, especially in busy times. I love everything fashion and food related. If I am not found writing or scribbling, I am found reading the latest fiction releases, fan-girling over Harry Potter or some pretty shoes, and writing for my blog. Being able to express myself outside of work boundaries is freeing and incredible, and honing the creative spirit is one of the main resolutions I had for 2020.
