Parenting and Porn - What I wish I'd known
My first experience of porn was in the pages of a Playboy magazine. I was a curious twelve-year-old who found a stack of them in my parents’ room. My girlfriends and I hid some in our den, once a Famous Five clubhouse, now an illicit site for stolen cigarettes and porn.
We spent many hours leafing through the pages wondering if we would ever have that much pubic hair (it was the 80s!), breasts that full, or those otherworldly curves that made a mockery of our boring child bodies. We wanted to be Playmate of the Month, we posed like her and stuck out our chests in blind hope, desperate to be women.
The photoshoots were artistically shot, and it was my first inkling of how a woman’s naked body could have so much power. These women looked in control, they looked like they loved their bodies and I remember vividly wanting to have some of that power, to use my sexuality to entice men. Alongside my mother’s blockbusters like Lace and Princess Daisy, Playboy was my introduction to the notion of female pleasure. Men didn’t feature much in the magazine and we didn’t want them to. For my friends and I, the erect penis was too threatening and unpredictable. It would have ruined the flowery, gauzy innocence of our youthful encounter with porn.
It’s a different sexual landscape for my children today. They are bombarded online with a multitude of images and practices I could never have imagined. Porn is everywhere. Kids can access it in seconds, yet I didn’t see any online before my 30s. My own stance on porn is that I enjoy it and use it from time to time, both solo and with my husband. I am aware of the contradictions and hypocrisies, but also of the stigma attached to it by many women of my generation.
When telling other mothers about this article, there wasn’t one who said, ‘that sounds really interesting.’ Most reactions ranged from ‘what a horrible thing to research’ to sneers and giggles. Some told me nobody in their house watched porn, which could be true, but I suspect is ignoring the reality of its ubiquitous presence in our lives. There are only a few women I know who use porn and are willing to admit to it. It is easy to condemn it as male-centric (which the majority of it is) and harmful to women, but this is to ignore the fact that there are women like myself who enjoy and benefit from it.
I have used porn a lot more in the past than I do now. Part of that is having children with the lack of privacy and time that this brings. Watching other people have great sex when you’re child-rearing can be exhausting. But I consider it a pleasurable resource to use alone or in a relationship. There are of course elements of it that are degrading to women, exploitative and violent, but I am a mature adult able to discern for myself what is right for me. I watch what I enjoy based on my sexual desires and fantasies. And I’m not alone – there are a growing number of female porn websites which reflect the trend for more women using it.
To focus on porn as something that only men enjoy and use, we ignore female pleasure and sexuality instead of finding ways to honour it. Aside from enjoyment, using porn can be a way to learn sexual techniques, become familiar with practices we might be curious about, enhance orgasm or spice up love lives with partners.
There are a growing number of sites for women, like Sssh.com, XConfessions, and Kink.com, educational pleasure sites such as OMGyes, and erotic stories on sites like Literotica. There is amateur porn with its variety of body shapes and sizes and feminist porn like Lust Cinema and bellesa which offer female-centric content for a wide range of interests.
This is not to ignore the problematic elements of porn that can promote sexual violence and gender inequality. While adults can discern what is acceptable or not for them, it’s a different matter for teenagers. Mainstream porn centres on the male gaze and orgasm, with a seemingly endless supply of easily satisfied, euphoric, blowjob enthusiasts. Teenagers are navigating a world where practices like anal, double vaginal, and ejaculating on another’s face are standard. There is nothing they cannot find if they want to. Without guidance and conversation, the world of sex must seem horribly confusing and misleading.
I take a realistic view of my teenage son (he’s fifteen) watching porn. He will access it if he wants to and banning it outright doesn’t work. My responsibility is to have regular conversations with him about it, which is as excruciating for us both as it sounds. I discuss the importance of mutual consent, safe sex, and loving relationships, as well as the risk of addiction. He tells me he knows that porn isn’t what real sex is like, that it’s just fantasy. I respect his right to privacy and freedom, but this is a very individual choice for parents and each household will have its own rules and principles.
Porn can destroy the trust in relationships when there is secrecy or excessive use involved. We all have different boundaries and what might be acceptable to one person could be upsetting for another. Frequent porn use might also obstruct emotional intimacy between a couple, or it can erode a woman’s self-esteem if she feels she has to compete with what she sees onscreen. I must admit that my husband’s porn use bothered me more as I got older and was less confident about my sexual desirability. But we talk about it and are open with each other. I have never felt that his porn use threatens our marriage. In some ways, it has enhanced our love life. There are times we want to be together and times we want to get physical pleasure alone. It is impossible to be everything for each other. But if his porn use was excessive or secretive, then it would be an issue we would need to work on. As far as aging is concerned, none of us have the body of a young, healthy person for very long. If I want to desire and enjoy sex throughout my life, I need to accept my body as it is, not what it once was.
However, the fact remains that there are not many women I would discuss using porn with. This is my fear of being judged or condemned. I know there are many who may enjoy it, but are constrained from talking about it because of moral beliefs (for example that it’s not ethical or appropriate). But how can you really condemn what you have never watched? What about more awareness around sex-positive, inclusive, and feminist porn? Sexuality is so varied, fluid, and downright weird at times. Porn reflects that.
I often hear mothers say that they fear for their daughters growing up in an age where they feel obliged to do certain acts, look a certain way or act out behaviours that they wouldn’t normally if hardcore porn wasn’t available. This is understandable, but there have always been sexual pressures on women (and men) even before the age of Internet porn. By the time I was sexually active, the men my age were unaware of female pleasure, as was I. Sex was about the male orgasm and how you looked in bed. It would be many years before I learned what mutual sexual satisfaction was. I wish I had known back then how to ask for what I wanted, to be sexually confident and love my body.
When the time comes to teach my ten-year-old daughter about sex, I want her to know that her sexual satisfaction and desire are important, that it is not just about pleasing men or having babies as I was taught. My first glimpse of sexual power came from the grown-up women in those Playboy magazines. I had no other resources where I could learn about real sexual pleasure, but women today do - and this can transform how they use their own erotic potential.
*This article has been written from a cishet perspective & the language used reflects this
Fiction and Poetry
Written by Allyson Dowling
Allyson is a freelance writer and translator who lives by the sea with her family in Ireland. She is also a skincare and yoga fanatic, obsessive reader, sea swimmer, and self-improvement junkie who may sometimes keep a box of chocolates hidden under her bed.