Sexless Relationships: How to Move Forward and Reconnect
You’ve been with your partner for a long time, but your sex life has been dwindling. Weeks turn into months of no sex and you’re starting to wonder what you’ve done wrong. Perhaps you’re worried that your partner is no longer interested. Feelings of abandonment, rejection and anger arise. Your partner refuses to talk to you about it so you have no choice but to jump to your own conclusions. Perhaps you feel abnormal or alone in these issues. But I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone.
For one – I’ve been there. Well, I’ve actually been the person in a relationship who doesn’t want to have sex, and the reasons are a lot more complex than simply, “I don’t love this person anymore,” or, “I just simply can’t be bothered.” This has been an issue in many relationships as I have struggled with vaginismus (a psychological condition that causes the vaginal muscles to tighten up which makes penetration extremely painful) and have felt too embarrassed to talk about it, and too scared to even have sex in the first place. Even as this condition improved and I thought I was finally in a place to have an amazing sex life, suddenly past trauma started to resurface which made me no longer feel comfortable with having sex.
My point is, there are many and often complex reasons why your partner might not want to have sex and it can feel very out of the blue or the reasoning might not make sense at first. Other reasons include the pressures of work and finances, stress, grief, and illness. Certain things may seem unrelated, but stress can cause all kinds of symptoms in the body – one of them often being a decreased libido.
As I said, for me the reasons were linked to past trauma which may seem unrelated or might not make sense when you’re in a happy relationship - it will especially not make sense if you haven’t suffered from trauma. Some may not even think it’s possible for it to randomly come up, but it does. Often, it can surface when your body is finally starting to feel safe and no longer living in a constant survival state where there’s no room to reflect on such emotional pains. Although my partner at the time was understanding, I felt a lot of shame and found it difficult to talk about. Poor communication is an easy pattern for partners to fall into, often due to feelings of shame.
However, communication is vital for working through these issues and reconnecting with your partner. Silence only ever leads to us forming our own conclusions with what little evidence we have. We may think that by not expressing our feelings and needs, we’re protecting our partner from embarrassment or hurt, but we’re actually contributing to those feelings of disconnection and rejection. Poor communication in relationships can make a couple feel unsafe around each other and can sometimes turn the relationship toxic. In worst-case scenarios, and something that I have unfortunately experienced in previous relationships, coercion can also become a factor.
Sexual coercion, according to Healthline*, is when someone doesn’t accept your ‘no’ and instead uses various manipulative tactics to persuade you to have sex with them. Some tactics include guilt-tripping you, making threats, using emotional blackmail, or giving you drugs or alcohol. Coercion completely shatters the trust you had for your partner which makes you even less likely to want to have sex with them. It’s difficult to talk about because there’s a certain subtlety to it – I said yes eventually so surely it’s my fault, right? Sexual coercion is sexual assault. If you feel that your partner is trying to coerce you into sex then that is not a healthy relationship - in fact, it’s abusive. Please consider leaving and finding safety.
So, how do we actually address this? With many issues, especially ones that can make people feel vulnerable or shameful, compassion is greatly needed. Showing someone compassion is important because it helps make them feel safe enough to open up. One way of showing compassion is effective communication with the goal of both listening and being heard. Some tips for better communication include taking some time out to process your feelings before talking them through, using ‘I’ statements (e.g. I feel like you’re not attracted to me anymore), and focusing on reaching a compromise and resolution. Avoid yelling or screaming at your partner, putting down your partner, being sarcastic, and using the silent treatment.
Relationships aren’t always easy and, unfortunately, outside stressors can get in the way of things. If your partner seems disinterested in having sex and you’re feeling abandoned or rejected, that is a completely valid feeling. It’s a feeling you should express and address with your partner. But bringing compassion for your partner into the conversation will help show them that they are safe to talk about what’s going on with you. Perhaps it’s something as scary as deep trauma or maybe it’s the stress of work that’s affecting them. Either way, you’ll both feel a lot better knowing that you can talk about it and work through it. Compassion connects us. Connection improves intimacy.
If you’re going through a similar issue, know that you are not alone. It’s important that you feel safe and able to communicate within your relationship, no matter which side of this particular issue you fall on. If you feel unable to communicate safely or if you’ve been feeling sexually coerced, this isn’t a healthy relationship. All relationships will have issues – we’re all humans and we make mistakes. We may not communicate well at times, and even hurt our partners without intending to. It’s not an easy fix but communicating and reconnecting with your partner can be a beautiful, loving experience that will in turn improve your sex life.
*https://www.healthline.com/health/sexual-coercion#coercion-defined
Written by Emily Shields
Emily is a 27-year-old writer based in Bristol who writes largely about her own experiences with mental illness and chronic pain. She loves nature, animals, the moon, and all things witchy.