Spice (It) Up Your Life - How to Explore Intimacy in a Long-Term Relationship
Aah, sex. If you read that as a sigh or a scream - same. Sex is everywhere, thrust (don’t) into our faces at every given opportunity during music, film, stage performance, and in almost every advertising and marketing campaign you’ve seen. That isn’t always a bad thing, sex is a very honest part of human life and there isn’t shame in it at all. Where there should be shame however is promoting the idea that you need to be having a certain kind of sex.
What we’re discussing here is that age-old idea that as a relationship grows through the years the excitement that comes with sex can dwindle which leads to that dreaded age-old conversation, ‘how can we spice things up?’
What this generally tends to lead to is those involved in the relationship trying new sexual ideas in the hopes that it makes the sex more interesting or exciting. These sorts of things can include roleplay, the introduction of BDSM techniques, trying out toys or new playthings, or even the introduction of a new person. All these things can be exciting and different especially if you hadn’t even considered them before but there is something to be considered when bringing new things (or people) into the bedroom - or whatever other room you can think of (another idea for you there).
One of the key elements in any sexual relationship is communication. The reason this topic is aimed at relationships that have been together for a long time is because usually when you’re deep into a romantic relationship you would have had conversations or discussions about what you like, how you like it, and what you would be up for trying. The key thing to remember about ‘spicing it up,’ is that everybody has their limits. No one who says their limit is a walk in the local park wants to be taken on a marathon - I’m well aware that’s a shitty metaphor but you get the idea.
Sex is a hot topic and it’s hard not to feel like you need to get it right, but really - is sex everything in a relationship? There are so many factors that play into relationships and sex is just one part of that. For years we’ve seen jokes all over the media about faking headaches to get out of sex and I guess you could say that’s linked to an ‘expectation’ of sex when you’re in a relationship and after a while, that expectation can lead to a series of patterns that take the fun out of sex.
At its core, sex is about connecting with your partners and feeling good, learning about each other’s bodies and what makes each other feel good - mentally and physically. When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time it’s important to remember that the things we like, and dislike can change massively and things you never considered wanting could suddenly be something you really want to try.
It can be hard when a partner says, ‘I’ve been thinking about X, Y, and Z and I think we should try it!’ because the natural reaction is to believe that your partner(s) have been hiding their feelings. But relationships are about trusting each other with how you feel - even if it isn’t always what you want to hear. Curiosity is natural and it’s what fuels us - if we did the same routine everyday you’d feel stuck in a rut so why not throw the book out the window and fulfil any fantasies you might have?
The added ‘spice’ could be the key to growing together and developing new memories - whether good, bad, or just plain funny you will learn from the experience, and it will teach you more about yourself, your relationship, and the things you want and need.
The flip side of this conversation is the part where you could be met with questions such as ‘am I not good enough?’ or ‘do you not fancy me anymore?’ and it's so key to remember that having this conversation does not in any way invalidate the relationship you’re in. You can be wildly in love and still want to add a little chili to your chocolate (just don’t literally add chilies to your sex life - that’s not something you ever want to explain to a staff member at A&E). There is no shame in experimenting, you may want to spend the rest of your lives together, so why not give things a try?
A lot of stigma around this discussion is that it signifies a dying relationship. The truth of the matter is that any form of communication between partners is a good thing - this conversation is wonderful, as long as it’s not being used to hide deeper feelings. If there is any doubt in the love, want, or respect you and your partner(s) may have for each other then that is for an entirely different conversation and I’m sorry to say it but the sudden inclusion of buttplugs to the party may not be the fix you need.
Sex should be two things - consensual first and always, and it should be enjoyable for whoever is taking part. There’s the idea that you should be having sex nearly constantly - ‘at it like rabbits’ and yeah that can be amazing but when you add work, sleep, responsibility, and mental health to the mix (so real life) into it - is that even possible? And if it is - is it healthy?
Sex is as important in a relationship as you want it to be, and only when you want it to be. It should be fun and exciting when you want it to be or as sweet and gentle as you need it to be - there are no limits except the ones you make. Exploring those limits with somebody you dedicate a large part of your life to and sharing those experiences together is special, as long as you are both comfortable
Never be afraid to spice up your life! (I had to.)
Top 5 Ideas to Season your Sex Life:
Set the Scene - add music, lighting, or different textures (silk, velvet etc.) to the room and turn off your tv and phones!
Change of Pace - Try different times of the day, in different settings or take things extra slow and drag it out for hours, or on the flip side fit in a quickie here or there!
Add a Lil’ Somethin - Try experimenting with different toys and props such as handcuffs, feathers, vibrators or blindfolds. If you feel brave enough try going to a sex shop together to see what’s out there to play with!
Play Pretend - Act out a fantasy you’ve always had or dress up in outfits you’ve always been attracted to - it might help you to lose your inhibitions and become a more confident you!
Build Anticipation - Take it slow, send flirty texts and touch each other in small ways. Spend quality time together and make each other feel wanted and desired. Make each other laugh and simply enjoy being together!
Fiction and Poetry
Written by Hannah Stait
Hannah is a writer from South Wales. She has her Bachelors in English Literature and Creative Writing from Cardiff University. She is an advocate for mental health and loves music, theatre and performs in shows with her local theatre group. Find her work @ clippings.me/hannahisfragile And her socials @hannahisfragile (twitter and Instagram)