My Name is Emily, I’m Disabled, and I’m A Benefit Claimant.
Anxious thoughts ran through my head as my laptop mouse hovered over the “proceed to check-out” button. There I was, panicking about buying a walking stick with my disability money… which is exactly what it’s for. But after reading the news, it’s no wonder I was so worried. All I could see and hear was the threats of benefit cuts from a government using disabled people, who are just trying to survive, as a scapegoat.
My name is Emily, I’m disabled by severe chronic pain and I’m a benefit claimant.
After a mental breakdown in 2022, I found myself unable to work and applied for Universal Credit (Limited Capability for Work) and Personal Independent Payment (otherwise known as PIP). When I was finally accepted for the benefits, I felt relieved and grateful. I was terrified of facing poverty. Benefits gave me the opportunity to focus on my health for the first time in my life. Benefits are life-saving.
I found it hard to rest at first as I felt like I was doing something wrong. We’re made to feel like our worth is tied to how productive we are. However, even rest is productive, especially when you’re unwell. Even if it isn’t “productive” it is a vital need... and it doesn’t need to be earned. But hearing on the news and reading on social media that you’re a “lazy scrounger” and just simply “work-shy” has a way of making you feel ashamed.
This shame has carried through to the present and has increased in this political climate. Emailing my local M.P. recently about the proposed cuts to PIP, did nothing to ease these feelings as they told me that PIP claimants receive too much money and are a strain on the economy. It felt like a sick joke to be told that by someone who earns over £90k a year and continues to give themselves pay rises whilst millions of people struggle.
Anyone can become sick or disabled at any time – these benefits are for all of us when we need it. I literally woke up physically disabled one morning; I woke up to extreme pain and decreased mobility. Should I suffer further or be punished for that? As Labour M.P. and founder of the NHS, Aneurin Bevan, said, “Illness is neither an indulgence for which people have to pay, nor an offence for which they should be penalised, but a misfortune the cost of which should be shared by the community.” Illness and disability shouldn’t be used as a political weapon.
However, this discourse isn’t just online or in the media, but something which we must face in our day-to-day lives too. I have had people say to me, “I wish I could just sit at home all day,” as if it’s a choice I’m willingly making. To these people, I wish I could say, “Wow, I wish I wasn’t stuck at home all day. You’re so lucky you get to work, leave your home unaided, have friendships and not be in agonising pain all the time!” But that would probably be seen as impolite.
There’s also an awkwardness that a lot of us face when we’re asked what work we do. As if it’s a great failure that we’re not in work. Sometimes I wonder if I should lie because I never know how someone will react. When I do give an honest answer, I’m often faced with an eye roll or a subtle look of disgust. Then I feel like I have to jump in with a long list of explanations and justifications as I silently beg my cheeks to stop lighting my face up with shame.
Honestly, I haven’t wanted to work over the last few years as I’ve not had any energy to spare. What little energy I have has been focused on my health and it’s taken me a long time to accept that was what I needed. However, that’s not to say that I don’t work hard – I work very hard on my healing. And I do wish I was in a position to be able to earn my own money. I have dreams that feel forever out of reach. A life that I can’t have that I must grieve.
Not everyone who claims benefits is out of work, however. After all, PIP is not an unemployment benefit, it is a disability benefit. It’s a difficult process to claim PIP with long waiting times and laying out everything that’s “wrong” with you which can feel incredibly degrading and humiliating. It’s not something easy that people choose to go through for fun. However, it is incredibly helpful to cover the costs of being disabled. Some of the things my PIP goes towards include mobility aids, long-term psychotherapy and physiotherapy.
Although I’m on benefits and I’m limited on what I can do due to my disability, I still deserve a nice treat or to have some joy in my life too. That doesn’t lessen my needs or dismiss my struggles. Being on benefits doesn’t mean I don’t deserve anything good. I’ve lost my whole life to my chronic pain, let me at least buy a colouring book or a cup of coffee!
At the end of the day, benefit claimants are still human beings. The current narratives being pushed and the fears of cuts are causing a lot of stress and panic. Personally, this has led me to some pretty nasty flare ups which aren’t exactly helping me get better and off benefits. In a world that is growing increasingly unkind, it’s important to remember what we all have in common: we’re just trying to survive. For some, it’s much harder than others, that doesn’t mean they’re the ones making it harder for you.
Not everyone can work but the people who can’t are still worthy. When times are extra tough, when illness and/or disability surprises us (it does not discriminate), welfare benefits are there to support us. We all deserve it, we all pay into it and we do not need to earn it. Our ability to work doesn’t define our worth, it never has.
Written by Emily Shields
