Sharing the Lurve - The Importance of Communicating Love to Our Children
One of the key findings in the ONS report 2020: “Children’s Views on Well-being and What Makes a Happy Life” (a qualitative analysis of children’s perspectives on their well-being and what makes a happy life for a child using UK wide focus groups”) was: “Feeling loved and having positive, supportive relationships, particularly with friends and family, including having someone to talk to and rely on”. These aspects were consistently stated as a top priority for children to have a happy life - "[Love means] people who care about you, family and friends, because if you're upset then they'll be there for you" (1)
When it comes to parenting, many of us aim for “parenting perfection.” But this is unrealistic, and not the best use of parental time and energy in this all-important role. Children don’t want or need perfection and infallibility, rather, they want to be seen, heard, valued, and unconditionally loved: when these basic needs are met, there is a greater chance of their developing an identity based on such responses. Those who feel important and worthy, tend to enjoy healthier and more respectful relationships, better self-esteem, and a more positive worldview. Most children’s needs are relatively uncomplicated - they want to have a place in the world and in the lives of those they love. As parents, we have the power to show our children how important they are to us, through words and actions. Love needs words and actions-you cannot have one without the other.
Below are some suggestions for fairly simple but powerful spoken and unspoken communications. It goes without saying that whilst the sentiments themselves don’t change, it is advisable that these verbal/non-verbal communications are adapted to suit the children’s ages and stages of development!
The Spoken
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.” Peggy O’Mara (former editor/publisher of Mothering Magazine)
Saying “I love you”: The most powerful way to let your children know how much they matter: a daily hug, a kiss, and an “I love you”, can mean the world to them making a huge difference to hear their parents expressing affection.
Offering undivided attention: When your children are trying to tell you about something, offer them undivided attention, making eye contact as they’re speaking.
Respecting space & feelings: Even if you can't directly relate to what they’re saying, letting them know that you hear them is really all that matters.
Setting boundaries: Unpopular they may be, but children usually respect them, and they appreciate their purpose, particularly if applied consistently and are not arbitrary.
Laughing is the best medicine…and it can also bring people closer. Sharing in an experience that you both find amusing can reinforce connections.
Praising where praise is due…when they’ve done something praiseworthy. Tell them you’re proud of them for even the ostensibly “insignificant” of accomplishments.
Asking how their day was … shows them that you’re interested in what goes on in their lives - the good, the bad, the ugly. And listen to the response.
Using "You": Try to build in “you”, so ensuring the focus of your words is on them – for example: “I love going out for smoothies with you” …
Reminding them of their strengths: Regular reminders of their good qualities, encouraging and supporting your children to hone them.
Hanging out together: Take the time (even if it’s only a brief amount - most parents are busy) to engage in one-on-one activities. They don't need to be elaborate: watching a programme, going for a walk, or going out for hot chocolate - it’s quality time you’re dedicating to them.
Pitching up: Attend their extra-curricular activities when possible (and if you’re welcome!) - it speaks volumes.
Knowing what's happening in school: Try, as unobtrusively as possible, to be au fait with what’s happening in school. Let them know you're willing to help if they need support with homework - if something is beyond your skillset, don't be afraid to source outside help.
Knowing their friends’ names: Make the effort to actually know who your children are hanging out with and their names. Ask about them occasionally.
Getting their view on things: Ask for their opinions on things and respect their ideas and views. You don't always have to agree with them: the key thing is they’re being heard.
Being patient: Forgive them for their mistakes and acknowledge your own fallibility. If you’re wrong about something, don't be afraid to apologise - they’re more likely to learn from your example, witnessing humility, humanity, and self-awareness.
The Unspoken
Eating together: Eating together as often as possible can help build a closer relationship with your children and be an opportunity for everyone in the family to learn more about each other. For younger children, mealtime conversations can boost vocabulary. Regular mealtimes mean you can connect and find out what’s going on at school, for example. Family mealtimes can also lower the riskier teenage behaviours that many parents fear, like smoking, binge drinking, and disordered eating. Sitting in complete silence or admonishing children won’t lead to positive benefits but sharing something positive or amusing can provide little moments that lead to stronger connections.
Playing: This is not a directive to play with your children all day that would be impractical! But incorporating play/playfulness into everyday tasks can provide helpful ways to connect: racing them to the car, having a singalong whilst driving, or playing 20 questions. Children can thrive through play and when we can interact with them, we are showing interest, love, and care.
Getting physical: Little gestures such as high fives, hugs, and shoulder rubs can go a long way in that unspoken communication: “I’m connected to you and here for you”.
Getting even: For younger children, the simple act of getting down on their level, so that you’re eye to eye with them (unless of course, they’re taller than you!) will help foster a stronger connection in your conversation.
Writing it down: Leaving love notes around for your children is another simple yet powerful communication tool: on their pillow, in their lunchbox, in their coat pocket.
Arranging a child-focused environment: Arranging home to suit children’s needs can make a difference to their sense of being loved and cared for. For example, for a young child, ensuring toys are easily accessible, (particularly their favourite) and for an older child, ensuring a plentiful supply of their preferred exam revision snacks. Being mindful of specific needs and noticing when preferences change, speaks volumes. The cream rug, the crystalware, and the beer fridge can wait until they’ve left home!
Not expecting perfection. Let’s cut our kids some slack when they spill things, reject a lovingly cooked meal, and do things that children invariably do, giving them the opportunity to redeem themselves. Expecting perfection can mean that we cannot accept our children unconditionally. We should love ourselves/our children regardless of mistakes and mishaps. The way we respond to these can set the tone for future relationships.
Acknowledging love for your children materially doesn’t cut it: Good self-esteem is rooted in a strong sense of children’s identity, rather than materialism, and excess amounts of possessions don’t equate to an increase in self-worth. Rather, children who have fewer possessions and positive relationships with parents/peers usually score higher on self-esteem assessment tests. Children tend to be adept at figuring out the behaviour of parents who over-indulge them materially in order to demonstrate love.
Joining the great tidying up debate: If you’re an advocate of children having tidy bedrooms (as opposed to their taking complete ownership of their room/their mess) it may help if you offer to tidy with them, alongside them. Rather than see tidying up as punitive, they can view this as an opportunity to hang out.
Smiling and having a soft tone: Can make such a difference to children helping them feel our love. It’s easy to wade through chores and duties martyr-like. But carrying out these with some enthusiasm (and even joy!) is likely to have a positive effect on them, in that they can see these activities are done out of love for them. This isn’t about pretending everything is effortless or enjoyable, but knowing that we can, at times, choose to be joyful.
Love can help connect people, enabling security, contentment, and hope. Whilst we all benefit from giving and receiving it, sometimes when life becomes challenging, anxiety can devour our emotional energy and we can forget to acknowledge those feelings of love.
Ultimately, none of this is rocket science and, contrary to the belief of some, most children don’t want much more than an obvious place in their loved ones’ lives and in the world at large.
Fiction and Poetry
Written by Jennifer Pitt, Counsellor/Psychotherapist, MBACP (Accred)
Jennifer is a *BACP accredited counsellor/psychotherapist and much of her clinical work over the past 19 years has been with children and teenagers in crisis, often gaining a more holistic change with the involvement of parents. The main focus of her work has been around the power of communication, in particular looking at how we can strengthen relationships using the spoken and unspoken word. She is married with two shiny, adult daughters.