Single Shaming - At What Point Can You Tell Your Nan To F*ck Off?
And they lived happily ever after…
From the day we are born, we are surrounded by the idea of love, from Prince Charming on horseback to Grandad gently placing a cup of tea next to Grandma as she watches Strictly.
Like Hugh Grant says in Love Actually ‘Love really is all around’.
But what about when Prince Charming doesn’t turn up to the ball or the glass slipper fits better on someone else. And you’re left standing alone while your friends twirl off into the dark corners of the club.
If we’re not with somebody, ‘talking to’ someone or ‘seeing’ someone or any other term we associate with dating and relationships, we’re classified as ‘single’.
Being single is often linked with loneliness or boredom, particularly by those who aren’t single.
But do us single people really feel this way? Or has society’s reaction to singledom shamed us into believing we do?
Single shaming, according to relationships counsellor Stephanie Regan, is “referencing a person’s single status as something that needs changing or fixing”.
In an Instagram poll, 77% of us said we have faced single shaming in our lifetime.
Aoife, 22, was told by a friend’s boyfriend, “no wonder you’re single if you go out looking like that”. The poor girl was running to Aldi for tea bags.
Similarly, Jenna, 19, had someone comment, “maybe if you were more open to sleeping with guys on the first date, you’d find someone”.
Even worse, Laura, creator of Girls Tears Club, was told, “no one will love you if you don’t lose weight”. Have you ever heard such ridiculous advice?
But single shaming isn’t always this obvious – or this rude. Comments like “you’ll find someone” or “you have plenty of time”, although meant to be reassuring, can make a single person feel like being them on their own simply isn’t enough.
Every time I get the train home, my Grandma messages me to ask if I’ve met any ‘nice young men’ on the train. If you saw me clamber onto a train with multiple bags, two headphones in and an extremely stressed look on my face, you’d quickly see this would be pretty unlikely. Her texts are well meaning and they give me a giggle but sometimes they make me question if there’s something not quite right with me that’s keeping me in the single pile.
The question “do you have a boyfriend” is always asked when I start new jobs or meet new people. As a society, we feel a pressure to conform to the expectation to find our ‘other half’.
For many people, being single is a personal choice, not an unfortunate circumstance. In fact a survey that inspired Tinder’s ‘Single, not Sorry’ campaign found 81% of respondents actually enjoy being single. Being single gives them more time to make friends, dedicate themselves to their career and work on their mental and physical wellbeing. After all, we’ve all heard the saying you can’t love someone else until you love yourself. The single life gives you the opportunity to do just that.
When asked our favourite thing about being single responses included “having my own personal space”, “more freedom”, “feeling empowered all by myself” and “I like to flirt”. And hun me too. Although there is absolutely nothing wrong with being in a relationship, or wanting to be in one, there is also nothing wrong with enjoying single life. Whether single means seeing what’s out there or just enjoying time being alone.
Research by Psychology Today found those who are content with being single have characteristics such as being open minded, conscientious and agreeable.
A person’s single status should be respected. How many of you have found yourself telling someone “I have a boyfriend” rather than “I’m not interested” because the idea of a relationship is more respected than the idea you aren’t interested or enjoy being alone.
So how do we swipe left on single shaming?
Dating Coach Hayley Quinn told Women&Home that the best way to combat single shaming is to be confident in your single status. If you are happy by yourself, say that. It’s also important to remember that the kinder comments of “you’ll find someone” are well intentioned and perhaps those saying this have a different perspective of life and love than you.
Personally, I also think it’s okay to call out those ruder comments, no one has a right to judge why you may be single or to put it down to your appearance or personality.
And although we’ll probably never get rid of single shaming, we can control our reaction to it, and go on living our best single lives.
Written by Lily Smith
Hi! I’m Lily and I’m a NTU Magazine Journalism masters student who can often be found watching Netflix, reading the latest Liane Moriarty novel or drinking dubious amounts of Vodka at the weekends and belting my heart out to Little Mix. You can find me on Instagram @lilysmithwrites_98 or have a browse at my portfolio here: https://lilyjsmith55.wixsite.com//lilysmithwriter where I talk all things feminism and women’s lifestyle.
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